Donald Trump Wows At First Solo Stress Conference [w/ subs]



00:00:00 – >> Stephen: >> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO THE “LATE
00:00:02 – SHOW,” EVERYBODY.
00:00:07 – I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
00:00:10 – WOW.
00:00:11 – I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD BE HERE ON THIS HISTORIC EVENING.
00:00:16 – DONALD TRUMP HELD HIS FIRST SOLO PRESS CONFERENCE AS PRESIDENT.
00:00:24 – HE WAS OUT THERE ALL BY HIMSELF.
00:00:33 – HE DIDN'T EVEN BRING HIS MEDS.
00:00:41 – IT WAS A ROBUST ONE HOUR AND 17 MINUTES.
00:00:45 – BEEFY.
00:00:47 – SO BEEFY, YOU COULD EAT IT WITH A FORK BUT YOU WILL WANT TO USE
00:00:51 – A SPOON TO GET EVERY DROP OF THE CRAZY.
00:00:55 – IT JUST HAPPENED.
00:00:56 – WE WERE RECORDING THIS IN THE EARLY AFTERNOON.
00:00:56 – IT LITERALLY JUST FINISHED.
00:01:02 – THIS IS FRESH.
00:01:06 – IT MUST BE FRESH BECAUSE YOU CAN SMELL IT.
00:01:10 – THERE IS A REAL — ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
00:01:14 – THIS PRESS CONFERENCE, IT'S STILL STEAMING.
00:01:20 – YOU CAN WARM YOUR HANDS OVER THIS PILE.
00:01:22 – ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S KIND OF HARD TO
00:01:26 – CHARACTERIZE THE PRESS CONFERENCE.
00:01:27 – WORDS FAIL ME.
00:01:28 – HOW ABOUT CNN?
00:01:31 – >> IT WAS UNHINGED.
00:01:33 – >> Stephen: OKAY, JAKE.
00:01:35 – NICE TRY, BUT THAT'S THE LYING FAKE MEDIA.
00:01:40 – WHAT DID HIS FRIENDS AT FOX NEWS SAY?
00:01:41 – >> ALL RIGHTY, THEN!
00:01:43 – >> STEPHEN: VERY FUNNY.
00:01:45 – VERY FUNNY, NICE TRY.
00:01:47 – VERY FUNNY.
00:01:49 – OKAY.
00:01:49 – WHAT DID FOX NEWS REALLY SAY?
00:01:50 – >> WOW.
00:01:51 – ALL RIGHTY, THEN.
00:01:54 – ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW!
00:02:03 – WOW!
00:02:12 – WITH FRIENDS LIKE THAT, WHO NEEDS FOX AND FRIENDS?
00:02:18 – NOW, RIGHT OFF THE BEAN, HERE'S THE THING — DONALD TRUMP HELD
00:02:24 – THIS CONFERENCE BECAUSE THERE'S CHAOS IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND ALL
00:02:27 – THE TALK ABOUT WHETHER THE RUSSIANS ARE PLAYING FOOTSIE
00:02:31 – WITH HIM AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
00:02:35 – HIS PRESS AIDES SAID THIS IS TOTALLY HIS IDEA.
00:02:39 – I TOTALLY BELIEVE NO ONE ELSE THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA FOR
00:02:43 – HIM TO DO.
00:02:47 – TRUMP DEFENDED HIS ROUGH START BY IMMEDIATELY ATTACKING
00:02:49 – AMERICA'S TRUE ENEMY: ANYONE BUT HIM.
00:02:51 – >> TO BE HONEST, I INHERITED A MESS.
00:02:55 – IT'S A MESS.
00:02:57 – >> STEPHEN: NO, YOU INHERITED A FORTUNE.
00:02:59 – WE ELECTED A MESS.
00:03:02 – ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN HE TOUTED HIS
00:03:14 – ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
00:03:16 – >> I DON'T THINK THERE'S EVER BEEN A PRESIDENT ELECTED IN THIS
00:03:19 – SHORT PERIOD OF TIME WHO'S DONE WHAT WE'VE DONE.
00:03:27 – >> STEPHEN: I DON'T SAY THIS OFTEN, BUT, MR. TRUMP, I
00:03:28 – COMPLETELY AGREE.
00:03:32 – ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED.
00:03:34 – AND THE PRESIDENT FOCUSED TO THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY,
00:03:39 – BESIDES HIS NIGHTLY BATHROBE TIME: REMINISCING ABOUT HIS
00:03:43 – ELECTION.
00:03:47 – >> GOT 306 ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTES.
00:03:50 – I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GET 222.
00:03:52 – THEY SAID THERE'S NO WAY TO GET 222.
00:03:55 – 230 IS IMPOSSIBLE.
00:03:58 – 270, WHICH YOU NEED, THAT WAS LAUGHABLE.
00:04:01 – WE GOT 306.
00:04:04 – BECAUSE PEOPLE CAME OUT AND VOTED LIKE THEY'VE NEVER SEEN
00:04:06 – BEFORE.
00:04:07 – SO THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.
00:04:09 – I GUESS IT WAS THE BIGGEST ELECTORAL COLLEGE WIN SINCE
00:04:12 – RONALD REAGAN.
00:04:14 – >> STEPHEN: ACTUALLY, SIR, BARACK OBAMA GOT 365 ELECTORAL
00:04:24 – VOTES IN 2008, YOU ONLY GOT 306.
00:04:28 – WAIT… DO YOU THINK 306 IS LARGER THAN 365?
00:04:35 – WOW, BETSY DEVOS WORKS QUICK!
00:04:40 – ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE DeVOS EFFECT!
00:04:45 – YOU GOT DeVOSFIED.
00:04:48 – THAT WAS THE DeVOSFICATION OF DONALD TRUMP.
00:04:53 – ( LAUGHTER ) LATER, A REPORTER REMINDED HIM
00:04:54 – HOW NUMBERS WORK.
00:04:55 – >> YOU SAID TODAY THAT YOU HAD THE BIGGEST ELECTORAL MARGIN
00:04:57 – SINCE RONALD REAGAN WITH 304 OR 306 ELECTORAL VOTES.
00:05:01 – IN FACT, PRESIDENT OBAMA GOT 365 IN 2008–
00:05:03 – >> WELL, I'M TALKING ABOUT REPUBLICAN.
00:05:07 – >> — PRESIDENT OBAMA, 332, AND GEORGE H.W. BUSH, 426, WHEN HE
00:05:10 – WON AS PRESIDENT.
00:05:12 – SO WHY SHOULD AMERICANS TRUST– >> WELL, NO, I WAS TOLD– I WAS
00:05:14 – GIVEN THAT INFORMATION.
00:05:15 – I DON'T KNOW.
00:05:16 – I WAS JUST GIVEN– WE HAD A VERY BIG MARGIN.
00:05:20 – >> I GUESS MY QUESTION IS, WHY SHOULD AMERICANS TRUST YOU WHEN
00:05:22 – YOU ACCUSE THE INFORMATION THEY RECEIVE OF BEING FAKE WHEN
00:05:24 – YOU'RE PROVIDING INFORMATION THAT'S–
00:05:25 – >> WELL, I WAS GIVEN THAT INFORMATION.
00:05:27 – >> STEPHEN: HOW PRESIDENTIAL.
00:05:29 – REMINDS ME OF HARRY TRUMAN, WHO SAID, “LOOK I DON'T KNOW WHERE
00:05:33 – IT'S SUPPOSED TO STOP, I WAS GIVEN THAT BUCK.”
00:05:39 – ( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP PROVED ONCE AGAIN HE
00:05:40 – IS CONSISTANTLY INCONSISTANT.
00:05:43 – >> I WATCH CNN.
00:05:45 – IT'S SO MUCH ANGER AND HATRED, AND JUST THE HATRED.
00:05:49 – I DON'T WATCH IT ANYMORE.
00:05:52 – >> STEPHEN: BUT YOU LITERALLY SAID YOU WATCHED IT, TWO
00:05:55 – SENTENCES AGO!
00:06:00 – THEN YOU SAID YOU DON'T WATCH IT!
00:06:03 – IMAGINE IF BILL CLINTON SAID, “I DID NOT HAVE S** WITH THAT
00:06:04 – WOMAN.
00:06:05 – THE MEDIA IS SO DISHONEST.
00:06:11 – I TOTALLY BANGED HER IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
00:06:14 – TOTAL.
00:06:14 – BOOM.
00:06:15 – TOTAL.
00:06:15 – ( LAUGHTER ) BUT A CNN REPORTER FOUGHT BACK.
00:06:19 – >> JUST BECAUSE THE ATTACK OF FAKE NEWS AND ATTACKING OUR
00:06:22 – NETWORK, I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU, SIR–
00:06:23 – >> I'M CHANGING IT FROM FAKE NEWS THOUGH.
00:06:26 – VERY FAKE NEWS.
00:06:30 – >> STEPHEN: OH, VERY FAKE NEWS!
00:06:31 – I DIDN'T REALIZE WE WERE BRINGING OUT THE BIG GUNS.
00:06:35 – AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO RATCHET IT UP
00:06:43 – TO “VERY, VERY, TOTES-MAGOTES, FOR
00:06:44 – REALSIES FALSIE FAKE NEWS.”
00:06:46 – NO FAIR CHANGEYS.
00:06:48 – NO DROPS, NO BOMBS, NO TAKEOUTS.
00:06:52 – ( APPLAUSE ) CIRCLE DOT, GOODIE SHOT.
00:06:55 – ( LAUGHTER ) THAT WORKS.
00:06:59 – AND TRUMP FINALLY ADDRESSED THE RUMORS ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP
00:07:01 – WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.
00:07:04 – >> PUTIN PROBABLY ASSUMES THAT HE CAN'T MAKE A DEAL WITH ME
00:07:06 – ANYMORE BECAUSE, POLITICALLY, IT WOULD BE UNPOPULAR FOR A
00:07:13 – POLITICIAN TO MAKE A DEAL.
00:07:14 – I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING I'M A POLITICIAN, BUT I GUESS THAT'S
00:07:15 – WHAT I AM NOW.
00:07:16 – >> STEPHEN: THERE IT IS.
00:07:19 – CATCH THAT IS THIS WE ALL SAW THE MOMENT WHEN
00:07:20 – DONALD TRUMP FINALLY REALIZED HE IS PRESIDENT.
00:07:27 – ( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP EXPLAINED WHY GOOD
00:07:28 – RELATIONS WITH RUSSIA WERE SO IMPORTANT.
00:07:29 – >> IF RUSSIA AND THE UNITED STATES ACTUALLY GOT TOGETHER AND
00:07:33 – GOT ALONG– AND DON'T FORGET, WE'RE A VERY POWERFUL NUCLEAR
00:07:35 – COUNTRY, AND SO ARE THEY.
00:07:37 – THERE'S NO UPSIDE.
00:07:40 – WE'RE A VERY POWERFUL NUCLEAR COUNTRY.
00:07:41 – AND SO ARE THEY.
00:07:43 – I'VE BEEN BRIEFED, I CAN TELL YOU ONE THING ABOUT A BRIEFING
00:07:50 – THAT WE'RE ALLOWED TO SAY, ANYBODY THAT READ THE MOST BASIC
00:07:52 – BOOK CAN SAY IT, NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST WOULD BE LIKE NO
00:07:53 – OTHER.
00:07:57 – >> STEPHEN: YES, THAT'S THE KIND IN-DEPTH BRIEFING THAT ONLY THE
00:07:59 – PRESIDENT IS PRIVY TOO.
00:08:03 – IT'S IN THE HIGHLY CLASSIFIED BRIEFING BOOK: “NUCLEAR
00:08:05 – HOLOCAUST BAD.”
00:08:14 – IT'S A LITTLE TECHNICAL.
00:08:19 – IT'S A LITTLE TECHNICAL.
00:08:21 – I DON'T WANT TO GET TOO JARGONY, BUT THE BRIEFING IS JUST ONE
00:08:26 – LONG WORD — BOOM.
00:08:29 – ( LAUGHTER ) THEN, RATHER THAN ADDRESS THE
00:08:30 – RUSSIAN RUMORS, TRUMP PIVOTED >> DOES ANYBODY REALLY THINK
00:08:35 – THAT HILLARY CLINTON WOULD BE TOUGHER ON RUSSIA THAN DONALD
00:08:36 – TRUMP?
00:08:38 – DOES ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM REALLY BELIEVE THAT?
00:08:40 – >> STEPHEN: I DON'T KNOW, I'LL ASK.
00:08:42 – DOES ANYONE REALLY BELIEVE THAT?
00:08:46 – ( CHEERING ) AND TRUMP WASN'T DONE WITH HIS
00:09:07 – ETHNIC OUTREACH.
00:09:11 – ADDRESS B THE THORNY TENSIONS OF WHITE HOUSE RACISM WITH APRIL
00:09:20 – RYAN.
00:09:21 – >> ARE YOU GOING TO INCLUDE THE CBC WITH YOUR URBAN AGENDA.
00:09:26 – >> WHO?
00:09:28 – THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS AND THE —
00:09:29 – >> WELL, I WOULD.
00:09:31 – DO YOU WANT TO SET UP THE MEETING?
00:09:38 – >> NO, NO, NO, I'M JUST A REPORTER–
00:09:39 – >> ARE THEY FRIENDS OF YOURS?
00:09:40 – GO AHEAD, SET UP A MEETING.
00:09:40 – >> I KNOW SOME OF THEM, BUT I'M SURE–
00:09:41 – >> LET'S GO.
00:09:42 – SET UP A MEETING.
00:09:43 – I WOULD LOVE TO MEET WITH THE BLACK CAUCUS.
00:09:44 – I THINK IT'S GREAT.
00:09:44 – THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS.
00:09:45 – I THINK IT'S GREAT.
00:09:46 – >> STEPHEN: OH, YOU'RE BLACK, CAN YOU TALK TO THE
00:09:47 – CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS AT YOUR NEXT MEETING OF THE BLACK
00:09:48 – CLUB?
00:09:49 – YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT.
00:09:49 – I'LL HAVE BEN CARSON DO IT.
00:09:52 – THSIT DOWN.
00:09:55 – SIT DOWN.
00:09:56 – ( APPLAUSE ) WOW, IT'S TRUE, RIGHT?
00:09:58 – THE PRESIDENT.
00:09:59 – IS HE GIVING AWAY A SECRET?
00:10:01 – ALL BLACK PEOPLE KNOW EACH OTHER, RIGHT?
00:10:07 – >> Jon: YEAH.
00:10:08 – >> Stephen: AND YOU KEEP EACH OTHER'S SCHEDULES.
00:10:13 – >> Jon: WE MEET AT OPRAH'S HOUSE.
00:10:19 – >> CAN YOU SET UP A MEETING FOR ME
00:10:22 – WITH BEYONCE, JAY-Z, AND FREDERICK DOUGLASS?
00:10:24 – >> Jon: YEAH.
00:10:25 – >> Stephen: HEART A LOT OF GREAT THINGS.
00:10:27 – >> Jon: YOU CAN COME, TOO.
00:10:30 – ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: AND FINALLY,
00:10:39 – CBS' MAJOR GARRETT ASKED THE QUESTION SWIRLING ALL WEEK: WHAT
00:10:40 – TRUMP WILL DO ABOUT THE HEIGHTENING TENSIONS WITH
00:10:41 – RUSSIA.
00:10:42 – >> YEAH, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT ANYTHING I'M GOING TO
00:10:43 – DO.
00:10:44 – I DON'T TALK ABOUT MILITARY RESPONSE.
00:10:45 – I DON'T SAY I'M GOING INTO MOSUL IN FOUR MONTHS.
00:10:48 – “WE ARE GOING TO ATTACK MOSUL IN FOUR MONTHS,” THEN THREE MONTHS
00:10:50 – LATER, “WE ARE GOING TO ATTACK MOSUL IN ONE MONTH.”
00:10:51 – “NEXT WEEK, WE ARE GOING TO ATTACK MOSUL.”
00:10:52 – >> STEPHEN: THAT WAS THE PRESIDENT UNVEILING HIS TWO NEW
00:10:54 – CHARACTERS: “MILITARY GUY” AND “DICTATOR GIVING A PRESS
00:10:55 – CONFERENCE.”
00:11:01 – ( BAND PLAYING ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT
00:11:03 – SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
00:11:05 – SALLY FIELD IS HERE!
00:11:07 – ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STICK AROUND!


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